There's Something Wrong With Me

There’s Something Wrong With Me

I always lie

All I ever do is cry

I freeze in fear as people walk by

Please answer me why

I’ve seen therapists

They say, “Here’s a number.”

They can handle this

I’ve seen psychologists they

Say, “Make sure she takes this.”

I’ve seen doctors they

Say, “Take her here. I’m sorry sir.”

My life goes by in a blur

Always hearing people say,

“What’s wrong with her?”

Storms

Storms

They come with fire and they leave with ice

The pain crawls up my veins

Pleading and begging me to attack

The icy feeling crawls down my spine

After attacking my arms, my thighs, and my stomach

The pain of relief floats away

The next day the pain of my attack is throbbing

Worries come stabbing my mind

Can anyone see them?

Is anyone going to judge me?

Where is my hoodie that I wear when the attacks happen?

How am I going to hide these?

My family tells me I need to STOP

I tell myself I need to STOP

The storms are so powerful

Words of those who hurt me

Pictures of ones that I’ve lost

They know how to kick your feet off the ground

So you can lay on your back with no air

I constantly wonder if the storms will take me

I wonder will I control them or will they control me.

Red Stripes

Red Stripes

I love these red stripes

The sight eases my pain

So I choose to continue wearing them

Over and over they go and reappear

Every morning I open up those drawers

Wondering what size will I wear today

Do I want them big so everyone can see?

Or small enough so my color is only for me?

Choose, choose, choose…

Okay, I’ll just grab one

What’ve I got to lose?

My life, more blood, another trip to the ER

Red stripes

You control my life

You ease my strife

But everyday you make me choose life or knife

Oh no…

The color is too deep

“Mom?! Please help me!”

I wait but she’s not there

I feel like I can’t breathe

My eyes are shutting

No...keep fighting!

My last breath is taken

Why Me?

Why me?

I can never know when you’re going to come

But I know when you are going to leave

It hurts more when you leave

But when you leave I crave you

I miss you, I want you

Could I have your number? No

But you have mine and you have my time

Depression

You hurt my heart, my arms, and my stomach

Friends always wanted me to stop

But you always had me tied around your fingers

Why did you choose me?

Monster

Monster

Monster, monster go away

You make me want to run away

Every time I hide you find another way

To taunt my every move and

Consume my every thought with

A vicious cycle

“Here we go again!”, I say to myself

“When will it ever end?”, I ask myself

How could I have done all this to myself

By making one careless mistake?

I have opened the doors to a game I

Do not want to play

I have sold my soul

To the devil himself

Will there ever be a way

To get you out of my head?

From the moment I wake up

Till the time I go to sleep

You’re all that’s on my mind

How will I ever replace this waking thought?

How will I ever manage to get away?

Will I ever be able to escape your vicious spell?

It feels like I’ll be stuck with you till death do us part.

Stepping Up

Stepping Up

I

stepping up to the plate

is the most exciting thing ever

you never know what will happen

you could get a hit

get on base

help the team

or you could get out

II

a team doesn’t take just one person

to keep moving

it takes all of the players

to move the team on

like Mookie Betts

if he hits well

his team does well

if he strikes out

the team struggles

may even lose the game

III

I want to be known

for the positives in my life

as someone who is smart

and has good things in my life

like hitting the walk-off home run

Instead of the negatives

being known as a liar, a sneak, a fake

striking out with the bases loaded

I’m going to the playoffs

using all I’ve learned for this moment

bringing my team the treasure, most dear

Baseball Haiku

Big game

teams feel the tension

fans waiting

Home run

one for the home team

father gives ball to son

Strike three

game is all over

players get to rest

Storms

Storms

News said it would be clear

But only storms come my way

Trying to speak

But I can’t find the words to say

I can’t move much

So I guess this is where I’ll stay

How can I go out like this

It’s such a stormy day

You left me heartbroken

And I turned into the storm

Why did you leave?

I need someone to keep me warm

Losing my breath

The storm takes me away

I finally release my pain

And like the news said

Today would be clear

My Walk

My Walk

Everyone says they like the way I talk

But no one seems to notice the way I walk.

I don’t walk too straight to show my pride

But I don’t slouch over to show sadness is on my mind.

I walk with an attitude that has a secret touch

Then I whip my hair a little but not too much.

I walk slow enough for everyone to know I’m there

But then speed up so they don’t stare.

I walk with color showing in my shoes

And flashy colors in my shirt matching my Jimmy Choos.

Yes I also like the way I talk

But I love the way I walk.

My Hope

My Hope

The end of the night I hope to see the next day

The end of every month I hope to see the next month

The end of every year I hope to see the ball drop

The end of fire I miss the heat

The end of every storm I see the rainbow

The end of every story I wish to read it again

The end of every movie I wish it wasn’t over

The end of every life I hope they had a good one

The end of every room I hope some one is there

Opening Up

Opening Up

opening up to people

it’s not the easy thing to do

you just want to keep those doors closed

you’re scared to let people in

you just want to cry in a corner

you’re not sure if you will scare people away

those doors you keep locked and chained

looked scary with the dark colors surrounding them

you want to let people in

but you have that demon

you know that if you open those doors

pain will come shooting back at you

memories will surround you

some hurting and burning you

you feel the flame on your skin

burning off your flesh

you want the red, blue, purple flames to stop

but they don’t stop and keep burning

you try to close the door

but the demon is out

it’s out and free to scare

you know that he’ll come at night

during the day you hope and pray

but when you lay your head down

and close your eyes he’s there

screaming, laughing, and smiling at you

you cry and cry for someone

but no one comes

you wrap your body around a blanket

you sing the song that

your grandmother sang to you

Rock a by my baby

Don’t you cry

Mama’s gonna buy

You a mockingbird

If that mockingbird

Doesn’t mock then

Moma’s gonna buy

You a diamond ring

If that diamond ring don’t shine...

Same Old Song

Same Old Song

My heart is breaking

Things I love are taken

Endless time, I’m wasting

Fake words is what I’m saying

I’m not religious

But I’m over here praying

Funny how it ends like that

Only when times are tough

That’s when we wanna go back

My mind is clouded

My mouth is stitched

My limbs are stiff

I’m always feeling like I can’t move on

Stuck in a life-long loop

Playing the same old song

Trying to take things in

Breath by breath

But it’s hard to breathe

The atmosphere is filled with

Hate, disgust, liars and thieves

I feel all alone

You only know you’re lost

When you’re missing home

You only know the cost

When you’re dry to the bone

Trying to hide the pain

Deep down so it doesn’t hurt

But nothing is what I gain

In the end it never works

I’m always feeling like I can’t move on

Stuck in a life-long loop

Playing the same old song

Misery is my melody

Misery also loves company

But it seems the only one singing

Is me

I’m losing tears

Over hidden fears

That come to light

Who knew that the dark

Could be so bright

The beginning is always the darkest of days

Can’t seem to find my way

Just trying to stay strong

Just trying to hold on

But I’m stuck in a life-long loop

Playing the same old song

I’m always feeling like I can’t move on

Stuck in a life-long loop

Playing the same old song

Sticks & Stones

Sticks & Stones

We all heard that saying:

“Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but them words would never hurt me.”

That may be true

but is it reality?

Cause them words may not hurt me

but they stay with me

Hide deep down within me

Haunt me, tear me

Scare me, tease me

Those words live in me

Feed off me

Emotionally drain me

Those sticks and stones only hurt temporarily

But those words drive me into insanity

So, “Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but them words would never hurt me”

Is that reality

Or is it sophistry?

Maybe it’s true metaphorically

But literally

We need a new saying like:

“Sticks and stones may break my bones

but them words could emotionally

kill me.”